The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
