weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His hands were made for my vagina.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
