I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
