the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Damn victory sex feels great
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize