I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
