I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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