if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
