i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
