you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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