didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
