the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
