he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
