I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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