You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She told me I should be a condom model.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
