Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The struggles of a small town man whore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
