Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
