I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize