i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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