i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
