so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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