cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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