We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize