Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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