the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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