All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
