I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize