my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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