I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
