Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
