You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
