Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
