I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
