you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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