Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
