Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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