All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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