You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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