My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
