The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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