conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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