im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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