I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
