In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize