btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
