do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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