I smell stomach acid.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
