I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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