i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
