So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
