Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
