i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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