you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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