woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize