Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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