I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just puked most of my soul out..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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