He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
