Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
