Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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