he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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